A Letter to My Younger Self

A letter to myself. One that I have written a thousand times. I keep all the copies to look back and reflect. With the new semester approaching, and these paths I keep crossing - it's something that is helpful and frees the soul. 

To a younger Shell, 
The path you choose to go on is a wild one. Whether you look at the big picture where you are going or the short snippets of the crossroads, you will overcome and you will survive.  The last five years have been a trying period. Your firstborn was a miracle in and of itself. You're a mom! Can you believe it? You never thought you'd ever have a child, let alone three boys. Along with becoming a mom, you became a drug addict. That's a hard fragment to read. You never thought it could happen to you. However; addiction doesn't discriminate. You will see it comes in all shapes, sizes, rich & poor.  
Please, hold on. I wish I could tell you to change everything and anything. In my heart, I always wonder what would have happened? But I need you to know, our story is better than any "what if". 
It's hard to phrase whether your oldest son's father was a mistake. The years of lies, manipulation, secrets, physical, emotional and mental abuse. Where can you see the silver lining? The only positive, he gave you Nicholas & Dominic. In turn, the closing of that chapter that cost you a year of your life opened one of the best ones in your life, your husband and life now.  
The elephant in the room- how did you lose a year of your life? Did you die? Were you in a coma? The answer is a big no. You clearly didn't die, but you feel as if a part of you did. There was no coma. Unfortunately, your life seemed to be on hold.
Jail. Nine months in jail. Three months on house arrest. The funny thing about this is, you drove past the prison a few weeks before your end of the run. You looked at the building and looked at your ex. You told him you were starting to have dreams of that place. Hearing the doors lock in your dreams. You knew the end was coming. I wish you would have realized you weren't invincible. You got lucky you didn't get hit with charges you should have. Count your blessings, young one. Jail was a blessing in disguise. You would have killed yourself if you kept going down the road you were traveling.  
When you were saved, you didn't know if you would ever find love. In those four walls and a metal door, you had a lot of time to think. Some of the toughest moments of a mother happened while having your hands tied. You almost lost Dominic. Your incompetent ex's mother & ex let him get into heroin. Your baby boy had to be life-flighted and Narcan(ed) three times. My heart sinks reading that. How could someone let that happen to a nine-month-old? Just know that he will be safe. Justice won't be served in this case. 
Your two boys are in the best possible place. I wish I could tell you that you'll have a big family to come home too. Everyone will be there with open arms. They won't be. I wish I could prepare you for the biggest legal battle against your own parents. I wish I could tell you that family is everything. It's not. Mourning the living is harder than mourning the dead. There is no closure, there is no end to the hurt. 
The most important part- the love of your life will come thundering into your life. I know we thought love was done, and our hearts were full with the love with our boys - your heart will grow and your life will grow with it. There are not enough words in the English language to describe the passion, drive and life that this man will give you. The additions that he adds to your life. 
Girl, you're going to get married! You read that right! M-A-R-R-I-E-D.
The storm you went through was a hurricane. The blessings that came after are worth it. I want you to put into perspective the story of Noah's Ark. You had to destroy your old life. You needed to put the important parts inside of you to be saved. Start new. 
You are strong. You are smart. You are brave. 
I love you. Your kids love you. Your husband loves you. 
Keep your head up. It only gets better from wherever you are. 


Love and more,
Shell