If you're from one of my social media outlets, you kind of know who I am. If you stumbled across my blog, then you're probably like- another blog, yippee.
I know, I feel the same way about some blogs. But, I want to connect with people. There are a few blogs that I get excited when they launch a new post. I hope to become one of those. So, I guess if I want people to connect with me, I need to make myself transparent.
Let's get to know me! (Or as well as you can get to know someone on the world wide web!)
1) My name is Francise Michelle, but I have always been called Shell. My first name is pronounced Frances; however, people butcher the pronunciation all the time. My own parents have never even called me that. So, it's a pointless name.
2) I am a mom of three boys. My oldest is Nicholas or I call him Nicky. He just turned five and he'll be starting kindergarten in the fall. My middle is Dominic or Dommy/Domma-romma. He's my wild child and the one who's going to put me in an early grave. He beat death from his careless "grandmother" on his dad's side. He had to be narcaned 3 times and thank sweet baby Jesus, he is perfectly okay, happy/healthy and now SAFE. My older two have the same dad. He's thankfully not around and in prison. Where he will be for some time. (I'll leave this for another blog, another day) Lastly, my baby Ian or Essa as everyone knows him. These are the keys to my heart.
3) I am a newlywed! I got married in May to my best friend and soulmate, Ian. We met each other in the strangest place- jail. Who would have thought? I worked on the night cleaning crew, and he worked night laundry. He saw me through the glass doors. (Talking to the opposite sex in jail is a BIG no-no) He thought I was pretty even though my hair was grown out. (Black roots and blonde ends. Girl, I was a M-E-S-S!) He added me on Facebook when he got out, and when I came home I accepted it, and we started talking. Romantic, huh?
4) I pretty much am a professional college student at this point. I have been in school steady for the last 10 years. I went to school for Nursing, Business Management, Cosmetology school, and now where I finally found my niche, Communication Media with a double major in Marketing. *claps and whistles* for your girl right here.
5) With number 4 being stated, I work from home as an influencer. My double major has been helping me with this career choice, and so far it has been rewarding! I am more than willing to share any tips and tricks that I can! Education is KEY! It is crucial on delivery and execution.
6) Organization is my best friend. I live in a planner. If it's not written down, it's not going to happen. With school, work, emails, packages being delivered, and deadlines- it is CRUCIAL to stay on top of things.
7) I am a fur-momma. His name is Xanax, but we call him Xan/Xander for short. The name is a silly one, and the explanation will be saved for another time, to leave you guys coming back for more. I love him more than anything. He's the prince of our castle. He likes to fight birds and skunks through our laundry window. (He has an ego problem- but don't we all?)
8) As you read above, I was in jail. I spent almost a year there, with the remainder of my sentence (3 months) on house arrest. Let me tell you, I would have spent the rest of my time in jail. House arrest is hard. Not being able to walk out your door, or into your yard- it's hard. Not being able to go sled riding (it was winter) is hard. When you're in jail- all you have is time. On the 'outside', all you have is time that you need to utilize. I'll save this for a different day.
9) The above fact leads me to the next segment. I was a drug addict. I battled my demons, and I won. I am thankful each day for another chance. I used to pray for death. Now, I pray for life. When I get to wake up each morning, there is someone who just took their last breath. From my addiction, I have learned to be humble. I am not one of those who believe that I am a "recovering" addict. I recovered. I won. If you beat cancer, are you still a recovering cancer patient? This hits many different places for people. Many don't agree with me, but you know what? That's okay because I don't agree with them either.
10) I started this blog because I wanted to help people. I wanted to connect like I said above. One of my downfalls is that I am a people pleaser. I have been trying to move into focusing on myself. I have been practicing more self-care, and recently got into yoga.
So, those are 10 little blurbs about me. I want to get to know my readers! Leave me a fun comment about you!
Friday, July 26, 2019
Wednesday, July 17, 2019
Happy Birthday
My oldest turned 5 today. I am in a whirlwind of emotions and feelings. Where have these last 5 years gone? My heart is aching, but I am so overwhelmed with pride at all that my son has overcome.
This isn't a subject that I speak on. I know that a lot of my followers wonder where my other two boys are. The answer will be explained in this blog post. I want you to wipe everything and anything out of your mind, and keep a clear head when we go into this story.
Six years ago, I did the unimaginable. I left one toxic relationship to go back with another toxic person. This toxic person had been in my life since I was in high school. I had a hard time realizing that just because you're with someone, doesn't mean that it has to be forever. Now, mind you- prior to this, I had never wanted to be a mom. I was career-oriented, goal-driven, on a path to a successful life. I was working full time, and attending college. I was power-hungry and even hungrier for money.
I used to have a relationship with my parents. It was a late developed one, but it was one none the less. When I found out I was pregnant, I was horrified. I was 23, and I wasn't ready. I am a naturally selfish person, and I am well aware that I am this description. The funny thing about this pregnancy is that the dad knew I was pregnant before I even had a feeling. He'd look at me and tell me that I was pregnant. I would laugh in his face. It couldn't be possible. I was on the NuvaRing. I was getting my cervix scraped every other week for precancerous cells. I had every medical reason why it couldn't be. (Also, the most important one- it wasn't happening.) God had every reason why it should be.
You know, it's funny how God and that stuff works. When you least expect something, or when you think that you know what you want, and God shows up with the complete opposite. He knew I needed someone to love me unconditionally. He knew that my heart was aching. He gave me the best love I could have ever been given.
When it comes back to my parents, I was always told: "Don't come home pregnant." Well, I did just that. Since the day I told my parents, I haven't stepped foot in their house. I haven't spoken a word to my father who was so disappointed in me. (He is a wonderful grandfather to my sons though.) I didn't follow through with his plan, what he wanted me to do. I guess you live and you learn? Which, I learned that I can't live to make everyone else happy. It has taken years, but I finally got it.
The pregnancy was a rough one. After finally coming to terms, and the idea that I was going to be a mother, I dove headfirst into this journey. I did everything and anything by the books. I went to every doctor appointment, ate every vitamin, read every forum, and then some. During the middle of my pregnancy, I switched jobs and got a huge house. It was just myself working at the time. The father wasn't the best at keeping a job and had more issues than a teenage girl. I ended up having collapsed ureters (right side). I had to have surgery every six weeks. In between those appointments, I was prescribed heavy, and I mean heavy narcotics. (Fentanyl and Vicodin) You read that correctly. All while being pregnant, I was taking these medications because I trusted this doctor. Why would a doctor want to harm me? Why would a doctor want to harm my baby? Now, please understand prior to this pregnancy, I had never touched a drug in my life. I would drink here and there but never dabbled in this unknown world, which I'll end up being very familiar with. I had never even smoked weed, nothing. I never abused these drugs I was prescribed. I took them as I was told. I never thought twice about it.
I was admitted in the evening to the hospital on July 15, 2014. I was having horrible pain in my back and I couldn't walk. I was literally crawling from the pain. They gave me an ultra-sound the next morning (July 16), and sure enough, my ureter was collapsed. They did an ultrasound on Nicholas, and his new due date was now reading in the middle of September. I was originally due in August. I didn't understand what this meant. The radiologist told me that my baby appeared to have stopped growing. Of course, I went back to my room and Googled everything under the sun. None of which ended up with a happy ending. They hooked me up to the contraction machine and had me be monitored until they could get ahold of my OB/GYN. It was later that night, that the doctor finally called. I was never made aware that they were going to induce me. My mom was in Tennessee, where she frequented back and forth for work. I still had a relationship with her at this time, and I wanted her to be there.
The whole early morning of the 17th, I was in horrible pain. I tossed and turned all night. I cried. I yelled at his father. I was afraid and I was alone.
At 6:45 AM, the doctor came in and told me they were going to induce me in 15 minutes. I was shocked. This can't be happening. At 7, the OB came in. My water broke on it's own. I put myself in labor. I was going. I had no chance for an epidural. I had no chance for anything. At 7:32 AM my 4lb 10oz baby boy came into this world on his own terms. He was 17 inches long, and he was my slice of heaven on earth. They tried to place him on me, slime and all, and I told them to get him off of me. I loved him from afar at first. I had a lot to take in. I was a mom.
An hour later, I digested the turn of events. I walked to his incubator and touched him for the first time. Prior to this, I had never held a baby. I never touched one, couldn't tell you the first thing about them. Here I was, thrown into motherhood.
Nicholas was born 4 weeks early. No health issues. 100% perfect. My health issues resolved after birth. No need for medication anymore. I went home, eager to jump on this motherhood journey. I went home, and I felt sick. I was hot. I was cold. I was shaking. I was moody. I thought it was hormones. (It was partially that.) The main thing it was, was withdrawal. The doctor never told me what was going to happen to me. That I was now physically dependent on these drugs.
I went searching at first for these medications. I knew an older woman who had been prescribed the same things. I would ask my grandmother for $90 a day to keep myself right. She handed it to me, without the slightest inkling on what was going on.
Finally, one day, I received a message on Facebook from a person that I was vaguely familiar with. He asked me if I knew anyone who wanted any bags. 2 for $20. I thought I was getting a deal! I bought them with out my child's fathers knowledge. I was in nursing school before, so I had an IV kit at home. I watched a few YouTube videos, and I thought I had it down. I was sitting at my dining room table when he walked in. He took one look at me, and screamed "You dumb bitch." He snatched everything out of my hand and looked at me with shock, disbelief, and disappointment. I finally opened up to him about my struggle. He struggled with addiction in the past. I wasn't comfortable claiming that this was what I was struggling with. He did promise to help me get off of it. We were going to "taper down". It lasted 3 or 4 weeks before he finally couldn't watch me do it anymore. When he finally joined me, and we were off to the races.
I never did drugs around my son or any of my children for that matter. I would take him to my grandmother's house (next door). I would do my thing and then go to school. Finally, when I woke up one morning and realized I had nothing left, we had to move in with his mother. I left Nicholas with my grandmother because I knew that it was the best thing for him.
That was the hardest day for me. Doing what was best for him, hasn't always been the best for me. I have been called a bad mom, continuously by people who don't know me or the situation.
The relationship that I have with my family is a toxic one. They don't trust me to even leave the house with my sons. I can't have sleepovers with them or even go for a walk around the block without being monitored. I have to fight in court, against people who claim they want what's best for him/them. How can they sit there and say they have the best interest, and keep a child away from their mother?
This day is always hard on me. Emotionally it's draining. I always dread this time. I hope that in the future, it will bring on happier memories. That he can have the family he deserves. I need this for myself, so my heart can be full.
Happy Birthday, Nicholas. I love you more than you will ever understand. You are strong, you are bright, you are wonderful. You have a marvelous life ahead of you. I promise I will be there every step of the way. Love always, Mom.
With all the love,
Shell
This isn't a subject that I speak on. I know that a lot of my followers wonder where my other two boys are. The answer will be explained in this blog post. I want you to wipe everything and anything out of your mind, and keep a clear head when we go into this story.
Six years ago, I did the unimaginable. I left one toxic relationship to go back with another toxic person. This toxic person had been in my life since I was in high school. I had a hard time realizing that just because you're with someone, doesn't mean that it has to be forever. Now, mind you- prior to this, I had never wanted to be a mom. I was career-oriented, goal-driven, on a path to a successful life. I was working full time, and attending college. I was power-hungry and even hungrier for money.
I used to have a relationship with my parents. It was a late developed one, but it was one none the less. When I found out I was pregnant, I was horrified. I was 23, and I wasn't ready. I am a naturally selfish person, and I am well aware that I am this description. The funny thing about this pregnancy is that the dad knew I was pregnant before I even had a feeling. He'd look at me and tell me that I was pregnant. I would laugh in his face. It couldn't be possible. I was on the NuvaRing. I was getting my cervix scraped every other week for precancerous cells. I had every medical reason why it couldn't be. (Also, the most important one- it wasn't happening.) God had every reason why it should be.
You know, it's funny how God and that stuff works. When you least expect something, or when you think that you know what you want, and God shows up with the complete opposite. He knew I needed someone to love me unconditionally. He knew that my heart was aching. He gave me the best love I could have ever been given.
When it comes back to my parents, I was always told: "Don't come home pregnant." Well, I did just that. Since the day I told my parents, I haven't stepped foot in their house. I haven't spoken a word to my father who was so disappointed in me. (He is a wonderful grandfather to my sons though.) I didn't follow through with his plan, what he wanted me to do. I guess you live and you learn? Which, I learned that I can't live to make everyone else happy. It has taken years, but I finally got it.
The pregnancy was a rough one. After finally coming to terms, and the idea that I was going to be a mother, I dove headfirst into this journey. I did everything and anything by the books. I went to every doctor appointment, ate every vitamin, read every forum, and then some. During the middle of my pregnancy, I switched jobs and got a huge house. It was just myself working at the time. The father wasn't the best at keeping a job and had more issues than a teenage girl. I ended up having collapsed ureters (right side). I had to have surgery every six weeks. In between those appointments, I was prescribed heavy, and I mean heavy narcotics. (Fentanyl and Vicodin) You read that correctly. All while being pregnant, I was taking these medications because I trusted this doctor. Why would a doctor want to harm me? Why would a doctor want to harm my baby? Now, please understand prior to this pregnancy, I had never touched a drug in my life. I would drink here and there but never dabbled in this unknown world, which I'll end up being very familiar with. I had never even smoked weed, nothing. I never abused these drugs I was prescribed. I took them as I was told. I never thought twice about it.
I was admitted in the evening to the hospital on July 15, 2014. I was having horrible pain in my back and I couldn't walk. I was literally crawling from the pain. They gave me an ultra-sound the next morning (July 16), and sure enough, my ureter was collapsed. They did an ultrasound on Nicholas, and his new due date was now reading in the middle of September. I was originally due in August. I didn't understand what this meant. The radiologist told me that my baby appeared to have stopped growing. Of course, I went back to my room and Googled everything under the sun. None of which ended up with a happy ending. They hooked me up to the contraction machine and had me be monitored until they could get ahold of my OB/GYN. It was later that night, that the doctor finally called. I was never made aware that they were going to induce me. My mom was in Tennessee, where she frequented back and forth for work. I still had a relationship with her at this time, and I wanted her to be there.
The whole early morning of the 17th, I was in horrible pain. I tossed and turned all night. I cried. I yelled at his father. I was afraid and I was alone.
At 6:45 AM, the doctor came in and told me they were going to induce me in 15 minutes. I was shocked. This can't be happening. At 7, the OB came in. My water broke on it's own. I put myself in labor. I was going. I had no chance for an epidural. I had no chance for anything. At 7:32 AM my 4lb 10oz baby boy came into this world on his own terms. He was 17 inches long, and he was my slice of heaven on earth. They tried to place him on me, slime and all, and I told them to get him off of me. I loved him from afar at first. I had a lot to take in. I was a mom.
An hour later, I digested the turn of events. I walked to his incubator and touched him for the first time. Prior to this, I had never held a baby. I never touched one, couldn't tell you the first thing about them. Here I was, thrown into motherhood.
Nicholas was born 4 weeks early. No health issues. 100% perfect. My health issues resolved after birth. No need for medication anymore. I went home, eager to jump on this motherhood journey. I went home, and I felt sick. I was hot. I was cold. I was shaking. I was moody. I thought it was hormones. (It was partially that.) The main thing it was, was withdrawal. The doctor never told me what was going to happen to me. That I was now physically dependent on these drugs.
I went searching at first for these medications. I knew an older woman who had been prescribed the same things. I would ask my grandmother for $90 a day to keep myself right. She handed it to me, without the slightest inkling on what was going on.
Finally, one day, I received a message on Facebook from a person that I was vaguely familiar with. He asked me if I knew anyone who wanted any bags. 2 for $20. I thought I was getting a deal! I bought them with out my child's fathers knowledge. I was in nursing school before, so I had an IV kit at home. I watched a few YouTube videos, and I thought I had it down. I was sitting at my dining room table when he walked in. He took one look at me, and screamed "You dumb bitch." He snatched everything out of my hand and looked at me with shock, disbelief, and disappointment. I finally opened up to him about my struggle. He struggled with addiction in the past. I wasn't comfortable claiming that this was what I was struggling with. He did promise to help me get off of it. We were going to "taper down". It lasted 3 or 4 weeks before he finally couldn't watch me do it anymore. When he finally joined me, and we were off to the races.
I never did drugs around my son or any of my children for that matter. I would take him to my grandmother's house (next door). I would do my thing and then go to school. Finally, when I woke up one morning and realized I had nothing left, we had to move in with his mother. I left Nicholas with my grandmother because I knew that it was the best thing for him.
That was the hardest day for me. Doing what was best for him, hasn't always been the best for me. I have been called a bad mom, continuously by people who don't know me or the situation.
The relationship that I have with my family is a toxic one. They don't trust me to even leave the house with my sons. I can't have sleepovers with them or even go for a walk around the block without being monitored. I have to fight in court, against people who claim they want what's best for him/them. How can they sit there and say they have the best interest, and keep a child away from their mother?
This day is always hard on me. Emotionally it's draining. I always dread this time. I hope that in the future, it will bring on happier memories. That he can have the family he deserves. I need this for myself, so my heart can be full.
Happy Birthday, Nicholas. I love you more than you will ever understand. You are strong, you are bright, you are wonderful. You have a marvelous life ahead of you. I promise I will be there every step of the way. Love always, Mom.
With all the love,
Shell
Tuesday, July 16, 2019
It's Time...
This is something that I have been putting off for some time now. I have always enjoyed writing and used to do it when I was younger. (Xanga fans, where you at?)
Since I have started influencing, I have been torn on doing reviews for the products that I receive. After a lot of consideration, I decided to focus my ideas and energy into my writing. I have great plans for this blog, not just for reviews, but for myself. They always say to take time and reflect. So, why not? The greatest advice I have ever received from any English professor was to write about what you know. Now, I may have a wide variety of knowledge on a few subjects, and I may be known to throw my opinion out there when it's not needed. However; I have true intentions. If I can make a difference in someone's life, whether it's big or small- I would take that as my purpose has been served.
I hope that my readers will grow with me. I hope that my followers will want to search for me and look to me for recommendations and reviews. I know I have a few blogs that I enjoy reading. I guess you could say they are my inspiration. I hope to achieve that for someone.
Hang with me guys. This is going to be a fun process. Let's grow together.
Best,
Shell xx
Since I have started influencing, I have been torn on doing reviews for the products that I receive. After a lot of consideration, I decided to focus my ideas and energy into my writing. I have great plans for this blog, not just for reviews, but for myself. They always say to take time and reflect. So, why not? The greatest advice I have ever received from any English professor was to write about what you know. Now, I may have a wide variety of knowledge on a few subjects, and I may be known to throw my opinion out there when it's not needed. However; I have true intentions. If I can make a difference in someone's life, whether it's big or small- I would take that as my purpose has been served.
I hope that my readers will grow with me. I hope that my followers will want to search for me and look to me for recommendations and reviews. I know I have a few blogs that I enjoy reading. I guess you could say they are my inspiration. I hope to achieve that for someone.
Hang with me guys. This is going to be a fun process. Let's grow together.
Best,
Shell xx
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